The Rime of a Professional Goof-ball...

“Ah! Well, a day! What sickly mess,

In my own face, I flung..

Instead of the Cross,

the Albatross,

Around my neck was hung..” - Shruti F.

I’m calm, inside. Well, in a way. Despite the Tempest, which I donot believe will die down, for a long time to come. It’s one of those rare moments when you are stared in the face by an ugly Monster, just as you had anticipated all along. You keep going back in time, and keep wondering as to what you could have done differently… Coz, you were forewarned yourself (by virtue of simple logic), and you had sounded the tocsin aloud well in time.

So, you keep wondering, (frustration spiraling with each passing second) as to what you would do, if you had to back in time, and do it all over again. And for a long time… you helplessly think .. NOTHING, I could have done NOTHING !

How do you change things to avoid a certain outcome, having been perfectly aware of its causes the last time it occurred, well in advance, and having done everything to avoid it?

What do you do, when some things look beyond your control, but must be reined in for good?

After hours and hours of restless deliberation and a puke-y feeling welling up inside me, there is only solution that has I could come up with: Tying up all loose ends NO MATTER WHAT. I don’t care How I do it. But I must.

It is when you get stuck on the HOWs of things, that the task seems unachievable.

The mantra should be: What do I need to do? .. any which way…

And, finally, If I had to go back in time, could I do things differently? Yes, Probably.

Although it’s easier said than done, it’s certainly not impossible!

And now, looking at the bright side of this recent experience (though I would have rather seen this bright side in some more congruous circumstance!), I saw sanity/ rationality incarnated! Glimpses of the rare-to-come-across phenomenon of rationality, faced me, though unfortunately, in such inopportune circumstance! … But, maybe, the circumstances had to be such, for one to appreciate the cherished quality.

All this while, I was grappling with issues: While I did not doubt the functionality of certain fundamental operating principles in nature that I believe make most sense, it had become a struggle to keep faith, while finding evidences of apparent contradictions day after day. It was like engaging in monologues with dead walls- Ten feet high. Cold. Impenetrable.

Even when it was not a monologue, it was a gross distortion of a dialogue. For, a dialogue is supposed to leave you feeling more enlightened, better informed, maybe with a difference of opinion, but with a good understanding and appreciation of the difference.

In fact, it has recently come to my notice, that most people fear/ avoid a dialogue of any kind. Things must not be said, facts must not be stated, most of the times.. rather, one would prefer to vent their emotions/feelings/opinions in a snide manner, behind closed doors, behind turned backs – does this mode of communication provide some sort of sickly pleasure or satisfaction, that it has become the preferred mode of communication for most people? And, perhaps, even shield one from the brutal nature of reality, which would inevitably be revealed in any communication which calls for a fair exchange of unbiased facts?

Which brings me back to some thoughts I had noted months ago, and shared with Arps immediately :D …. In a similar context… let me compile all of this together, and put down those here in this post…

We are strange, aren’t we..

How many of us have NOT had those moments of

“Nobody understands me “… orr an even more amusingly interesting one,

“nobody knows ME- the real me!!” with a hint of smug pride and satisfaction, a non-verbal smirk at The World Outside that sees me as it wants to see me, and not as What I Actually Am (plss donot miss the pun-ification in this piece!!)

Kindly Note: The Real Me is invariably the “all knowing, wise, a higher Me! :P ” (*rolls up eyes, in the sorry-ness of this universally clichéd thinking *)

On the other hand, We want the same “ignorant” people to vouch for us!!

We want the world that knows us, to tell the rest of the world -that does not know us, that we are good people to know. Okay, that’s fairly simple logic. But waitamniit!!... by our own conceived logic n conviction, isn’t it, that the world that does claim to have figured us out, does not in fact, know us at all!!

So what do we want them to tell the Others , if they have got their facts wrong?

And Oh yes, we do!! … Boy, do we!! ……

And this kind of behavior is just so beautifully highlighted by this concept of Orkut Testimonials… and testi-trading too….

Apart from the obvious purpose of serving as an ego/morale –booster … enhancing ur orkut social status a bit, taking u for a well earned ego trip while the 1024 characters last (particularly well earned if u got it ‘in return ‘for one written by you :D ) , one can argue that it serves as a potential tool for feedback – from people you know- except , it’s just the kisses n hugs n thank-you-for-being you’ s that are conveyed – the “Do u know how you hurt me when u do such n such thing” or “I wish you were a little less of a back-stabber” are completely omitted (I mean of course, a TESTIMONY is not supposed to carry such info- that wud defeat its very purpose!)

So I guess at some point, it is reduced to this superficial, cosmetic exercise-

A reproduction of our equally superficial n cosmetic ‘real’ lives…

Where people smile meaninglessly (outwardly, well-meaningly), pointlessly (outwardly, pointedly) as they pass each other in the corridors, mouthing inane “Watsups” …as if they care a fig—ironically, often widout pausing to wait for an answer… and raise brows in disapproval, disgust or with simple uninterested contempt, that seems to be the sole fuel driving human existence these days….this eye-brow raising is done behind turned backs, behind shut doors .. where come out the “Do u know how you hurt me when u do such n such thing” or “I wish you were a little less of a back-stabber” – n this assumes the shape of intro/retrospection or (n this is bad!) ,.. Gossip is the easy substitute for dialogue, but far less effective and efficient!

Although, the other day, I remember having this discussion with the-other-DA (hehe.. yeah, not the original DA Sir .. :D).. and was posed this question : Are testimonials not just THAT? – testimonials?? .. So, what is the problem with this ..?

Well, My issue is not with the fact that people vouch/testify for each others’ credentials .. but that doing it in an extremely random and arbit manner (one that translates into you scratch my back, I scratch your back) just demeans the whole purpose of testimonials, and dilutes the authenticity/potential utility of this tool!

Anyhow, coming back to the original thread of this post…

It has been a breath of fresh air for me! ..I have almost gotten a new lease of life …

And here I’m talking about my recent encounter with some of the most rational, sensible beings of my age. It’s funny, how, with some of us, the most normal, routine, non-issues become bones of ugly contention, thriving on the irrational egotism/ second-rater-ism . While, with some (very few) others, the most difficult of impasses seem like a cake walk. And the facilitating principle, always, is a rational straightforward dialogue.

It amazed me, how a situation which had the potential of snowballing into something extremely ugly and unpleasant, leaving a bad taste in the mouth for everyone involved, resolved itself beautifully, simply and logically. Not to say that it was an easy job for any of the parties, but the sincere determination to strike at the root cause, instead of anybody’s dignity, respect or intelligence, did the trick.

What would have been an uphill task, turned out to be a great learning experience, and not a bitter one at that!

And it was just another strong evidence of how great minds are not bred/ architected in great buildings/under great banners… they are bred by and within their own selves, by their own nature, choices, and perhaps circumstances.

I would like to use this space to offer a word of thanks, and a small prayer to these strangers, whom I may never see again, but will never manage to forget either.

I’m not talking about saintly souls, angels, or good Samaritans. This post is a toast to the simple, rational, First raters of this world (a rare species by all standards). And, to the indomitable, honest spirit of awe-inspiring excellence, that they epitomize.

Cheers ! ….