Damn!! %$%#^#

I have become INCAPABLE of posting on the blog!!
Despite the fact that I have had thousands of stories to share ...
Despite the fact that I started writing tens of posts, but never got around to completing any of those.. I JUST donot write anymore..and it is sooooo very frustrating! coz I DID have so many things to share ... wayy tooo many!!! ....

as I do now! .. but I wont write about it... nopes! ... *winces* ..what is WRONG with me ....


I mean S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y ... WHAT IS WRONG!!! ... why can't I just sit and type all that I wish to?

What kind of transformation am I going through? and What on earth for? ....

PS. I have also lost my appetite by the way :( ... can't stand food now ... I mean ... I just dont EAT anymore .. unless it's maggi! .. and just coz it's the easiest to finish n be done with.
Hence, I think I have been eating just maggi for the past so many days - brkfast, lunch AND Dinner!


Psst... I'm telling u, something is really amiss .... I am going all OKAY ... clinically ... and I just don't get kicks out of whatever I am doing these days ... I just do one task, and move on to the other... I feel like meeting up with old friends .... and then realise how difficult it is, to fix up such a meeting-thanks to the godforsaken schedules-, n again.. CLINICALLY ... move on ....


Great then! I can't write, I can't read HP (the series having finished :( ) ... I can't be loud and shabby n BLAH in general ..... without drawing suspicion, raised fingers, heads shaking in disapproval ...
I can't just NOT display many feminine attributes in general conduct, without raising people's heckles ...

This is too darn weird... I mean... I can't even FEEL u know! ... I am not driven by emotions as I write all this; just stating facts! I can't even feel the pain of something-ain't-right. It's just a cold acknowledgment of the same fact. *stoic look*


Gosh! .. this way, I'll develop a revulsion for people who think that their lives are exactly as they had planned/imagined those to be, just coz my own is not! *mummy, help!*

Nothing that I am doing today conforms to the idea that I had about my life..ever since I can recollect::
- I had never in my weirdest dreams thought I'd be working in an "office" (i mean I never thot against it or anything, but I nevvvvvver even considered an office job- I always thought these things were for others (weird/absurd I know!!) )
- studying business [even until five years ago, had u suggested to me that "business line" was a career option- I would have asked you to go see a shrink!]
- Being put on trial for my concepts/ ideas that I always took as given. Being quizzed about explanations which none intends to/ cares to understand
- Talking about things that I have no interest/ inclination/ capability for ...
I mean ....reallllllly... I AM abnormal ... I mean... for the first time in my life, I have begun issuing responses that I don't feel an "ownership" for ... it's almost fake ...

***
something got into me ... and I finally dug out my old, infamous Dell notebook (christened by the high n mighty swati n co, as "thirty two mb" ... errmm.. well, that's coz that was its RAM u know ... 32 MB! .. and 6 GB hard disk btw!!... people wud come frm far n wide just to see whether this legend does have a basis in reality ... I had dumped it ever since I got my laptop ... never really used it much ... but have developed fond attachment to it .. I rem. during our IIM days .. I had typed my first blogpost for the campaign on it ! ohkayy ... IIM days = Ignited Indian Minds ..days of course) ....

seee!! that's my 32 MB ... 8 minutes have passed since i switched it on ..and the desktop has still not appeared! ... anyway.. the purpose behind digging out this relic was ... I had typed some of my verses roughly an year ago, in this box.
Those were the days *reminisces* .. well, strange days ....
the days of rebellion, secret undefined crusades against powers-that-be-wherever-in-the-universe ...
[hey, the screen's not appearin' n m concerned !! what if i lose all my precious data :( ... switched it on again... *fingers crossed* ]

yeah.. so those wre strange days ... and stranger near-confidantes I had.. back then! ...
lolz... they supported a no-cause of someone they barely knew ... *sigh of amusement*
and there was this one verse in particular .... (tho i had written many in those days... all revolving around a common central theme) that most aptly conveyed my train of thoughts/ emotions etc etc ...

The issue touched upon in that verse .... still remains.
I will probably never know the answer to the question ...
I will never know as to whether I had a cause to begin with, and whether it was ever justified ...
I guess there are always some "What IFs... " in life ... that can prevent you from ascertaining that definitive Right-ness or Wrong-ness of a course of action


[laptop ..still hasn't displayed the desktop ... i will cry now.. i think i lost a lot of my works today *blank stony eyes*]


Anyway, maybe al try to recompose the verse.. from memory ...

I tossed a little Coin...

I tossed a little coin.
I know I called it 'Tails';
But, saw 'em frown, and cut my call-
what if my call fails ...

I tossed a little coin.
This time I called it Heads;
But then caught it in mid-air,
my calls my heart now dreads ...

I tossed a little coin.
My heart had made a call,
but let 'em turn a deaf ear,
and let it freely fall...

I tossed a little coin.
it's My Coin that I tossed;
You think I won, it's the 'right' side up!
It's My Call that I lost!

[hurray- desktop showed ..finally!]

When I'd tossed that little coin,
You'd wanted me to win;
Since Your Call was much more 'safe',
you tossed mine in the bin.

I shall not toss that little coin!
The toss brings me no joy...
I had tossed it with some aim in heart,
not coz 'twas a fun toy!

Or maybe I'll toss that coin again,
and take my Call this time.
To lose the toss, at my own call,
would be a lesser crime.

*************

Gawd ... pls don't sit and wonder about the "I", "They" "Coin" etc in the lines above.... coz even I am not sure about it ...
aaargggh ... maybe I will never know... never.. whether MBA was a mistake .. or whether I could have done things "the other way" ...

So byy the way .. for all those innocent souls who have been hounding me of late :P *and some of you are reading this ;) * ...
"How do u stay happy all the time?" " How come we've never seen you in low spirits?" or the funniest...
"Do you ever feel low, Shruti? " .... I dunno guyz .... but what kind of a mind breeds verses like that? ... not a sea-calm one, I can assure you :) ...

hehe .. now im suddenly reminded of this one day in JMC when I was racing through the corridor (well, I was alwaaayyss racing through the corridoor in JMC :( ..somehow .. ) ...
Although, it is in a very different context. A batchmate (well, this one always remained just a batchmate for the three years that we spent together .... maannn, I wish Mannat was reading this-she would KNOW :P!!) .. well, this batchmate almost stopped me, slightly annoyed and exasperated .. (almost accusatory!)

"Shrutii, you don't have to be so happy all the time"

'Sorry?', I thought.

I was taken aback. And there she stood, smiling a cold smile, one that fails in its purpose to delude the recipient into thinking that, the actor is confident and assured of the validity/ substance/purpose of what she has just uttered.

I raised my brow - amused .. though not too happy ..!

I watched her smile for some time, weighing the merit of continuing the conversation, and eventually deciding against it. I decided (in that fleeting moment) that I did not have the time or the energy. And she did not have the resources to put mine to optimal use :)

I smiled back. Or, I think I did. But that was coz I was short on time. Otherwise, till date, I haven't learned to fully appreciate people using the happiness of others as the yardstick to measure their own. Hence, kids end up showing more interest in the test scores of their peers, than their own; few days before the exam kids are bothered more about how much course "that one" has covered .. than where their own exam preparation has reached ... and as they correctly depicted in one of those commercial ads: parents approve or disregard their child's performance solely based on the performance of someone else's child.

Now, now, this incident has nothing to do with anything else I had talked about ... dunno why I suddenly came to my mind, quite vividly and I went on to describe it, however unrelated...

hmm.... I think it could be coz I'm missing Mannat too :( .... she was the kind of person who would have summed up the above incident in one good line (despite our excessive loathing for each other, we did end up sharing quite a few ideas... :P ) ....

*** I slept last night, typing this ....

postin it now ...

and wow! I did end up posting something then, even though nothing that I really wanted to ...

College again tomorrow ... *neutral indifference*

I discovered something very ugly and scary about human behavior yet again yesterday, in
passing conversation.

In fact, I learnt something about it during my internship too (although it was interspersed between other too-much-fun things, to take a backseat) ...
Some very obvious, rational principles of justice, and working logic DONOT hold- in many places, and for many people. A new kind of code of conduct (new -- coz I didn't know of it before ) has gained acceptance and legitimation amongst people. I think I'll draw from an old blogpost::

I stab your back, you stab my back is the new tacit moral understanding/ agreement between most people.
If you can't play the game this way, you had better not play at all! coz the rules are all defined by that guiding principle.
The rules in the new game are:
>> you win as an individual player, if you manage to stab the back of the other better than that one manges to stab yours (coz u are both aiming towards the same thing)
>> your team wins if you collectively manage to do that vis-a-vis other teams

But you have gotto play by the same underlying principle by all means.
And this, is quite amusing!

NOTE: I must post this here... before the context is lost.

Certain things REQUIRE integrity, have basis in Integrity and will not exist without it.
Rationality, Justice, fairness -- all function on integrity.
Hence, one can't cry foul one day and say their justice has been violated by the system, if they
have themselves condoned the same in the past.
Which brings us back to the all or none principle of certain theories/ concepts (such as Ayn Rand's objectivisim). You can't accept a part of it, and reject the other, tailoring it to suit your own convenience. You either Take the WHOLE of it, or REJECT the WHOLE of it. There is no way in between.

In fact, integrity is a beautiful concept u know ... I discovered it myself, one day, when I found it seriously lacking in some persons I had grown to like ..
I realized the importance of Integrity in someone's being. How the riches of the world, the brains of Einstein, the beauty of the Greeks won't sustain one's character -- if the simple quality of integrity is missing.

and consequently, I discovered this about my own self:

Very little tolerance, for very little integrity.

uh-ohh ..al post this now ... I have no clue what all I have been typing and why at all ...
sorry abt the lack of coherence in this post! ..
But I MUST post this ... and break the cant-blog-anymore curse :( !!

chalo then,

Cheerios :)