Some more Blabbering ...

:)

Hear, Hear! … Today is a Free day :D .. I reached home before dark! And could afford to just sit and do NOTHING. :D

Tomorrow at least, speaks no deadline, and that is GOOD ENOUGH!

Errm .. there is some work though…

Let me see, I need to revise the Assignment for Prof. D [and this time, even if he screams “nahee chalegaa, babaaa!” at the top of his voice.. al be at a safe distance.. :P ] ..so no probs there ..

Then, I need to do the Consultancy Assignment … OK, technically I should be worried about it .. coz I have no clue what I am going to do, and HOW! The presentation is on … Wednesday I think?

Lots of time, lots of time … *rubbing hands together purposefully* :) .. and …

**writing after a gap of a few hours**

It is 12:48 A.M and I see Ankit’s status message- a quote by JNU! [d’oh! Jawahar Lal Nehru] … for a split of a second, I rub my eyes..! Why on earth does Ankit (of ALL people :P ) have a quote by JNU as his status ! It’s like Anshuman endorsing Chintu Candy as an A-Grade brand *gulp*

(mild apologies to both: unLucky Baba and the Cupid-ian Creature *ROTFL*) ^{##see note at bottom}

But of course! It’s Independence Day, ain’t it! :D And we are all happy, Independent Indians… :D And let’s face it.. some days in the year, every single person does get moved by such sentiments … if you are human, and a part of a nation.. it is an inescapable emotion :)

So, Happy Independence Day people! :)

Congratulations! On having being born into a country where you can speak your mind, take your decisions, express your opinions (without the fear of persecution) and where you can celebrate FREEDOM in real spirit.

Well, you certainly can!

Whether or not you choose to do so, is your call.

And here I would like to reiterate a seemingly trite, but extremely profound statement: Charity begins at home.

Everyday, we are confronted with choices. And it is real freedom, to be able to take a stand. To say yes when you agree and No when you disagree.

Simple things, really.

Thanks but no thanks, I donot drink.

I donot think smoking is cool.

I did not like that.

I donot wish to be a part of this.

**continuing this post on 15^th afternoon**

I disagree with what you just said.

I will not be a party to this.

Of course, these statements are purely illustrative in nature; you may or may not agree- but whatever your opinion, if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, coz of being unable to express it [for fear of retribution, ostracism, seclusion, or generally “not being liked anymore by friends”, then you ain’t Free but Fettered!]

To be able to turn around and tell the best-est of your mates that they are in the wrong – especially when their actions have a direct bearing on others’ lives, constitutes real Freedom, and a dignified existence.

Real freedom lies in being able to hold an opinion, and express it, when you so wish. Well, it is NOT always possible, sadly, in the real world- I know!

But the more you are capable of doing it, the more liberated in spirit you are.

There are two reasons for a person to not express their opinion: fear/ uncertainty and political correctness/ diplomacy for selfish reasons.

While the first evokes pity, the latter evokes contempt.

Bottomline of the whole unplanned discourse:

Independence is to be celebrated in real spirit, and not in SMS-es, or caller tunes, or morning assemblies and parades.

If we cannot voice our opinion in a mature dignified manner, to people we live with everyday, for the cause of what we believe to be right/ true- in matters of public interest … we will never be able to do justice to the Universal Adult Franchise, or freedom at a National Scale.

*Wow .. talk about digression! .. *

Hmmm…

Another thing by the way, I recently did something very HR-personish recently. Unwittingly though. And felt extremely weird too. But I did- to get some clarity about issues when my mind was a mess.

I conducted a crude Reference Check :P

You know, I never ask someone for “opinions” on person A, B C [their acquaintances or friends ] .. to get an idea about the latter’s character sketch. I donot like it. But somehow, the other day, I sort of conducted a “run me down A and B” :P , with the help of a friend.

Well, I got LOTS of instantaneous information, thanks to the kind resourcefulness of the Source, but I think all the information overload only made things difficult for me! And it also highlighted my not very accurate sense of perception/ judgment.

Yet again :(

Errm … looks like that’s enough blabbering for now. I’ll write my real post in the next one. Ciao

** I just discovered the other day, that Ankit calls the “Laughing Budhdha” , “Lucky Baba” :P .. when I threw a quizzical look, as to whom he was referring to when he talked abt “Lucky Baba”, he earnestly went on to explain.. “arre..the one who is bald, with a bag in hand…!! ” :D :D ..

And I used to be publicly mocked at, for calling the same thing, “Happy Budhdha” .. I mean comeon!! .. comeooooon!! :D :D LUCKY BABA!!

Now for the ‘Cupidian Creature’ .. *ahem* .. this is a monicker, given to Anshuman by our word-loose Consultancy Prof. .. His crime? He had turned around in class to look at our Smart Lady, quite by chance ;) :P pooor thing, I tell you! ..

(Although, I have little in terms of sympathy for him!: psst… before my Law presentation, I was anxious enough to ask him to hang my photograph on a wall of my choice, in the HR-I classroom- post the presentation. Any normal human being would have been expected to say something like “comeone, you will survive it..!”.. but nope!.. he jumped excitedly, to picking the flowers to be used for the Mala: “Orchids or Lily?” :( and how frequently would I like the mala to be replaced? .. working out the finances :( :O )

Damn!! %$%#^#

I have become INCAPABLE of posting on the blog!!
Despite the fact that I have had thousands of stories to share ...
Despite the fact that I started writing tens of posts, but never got around to completing any of those.. I JUST donot write anymore..and it is sooooo very frustrating! coz I DID have so many things to share ... wayy tooo many!!! ....

as I do now! .. but I wont write about it... nopes! ... *winces* ..what is WRONG with me ....


I mean S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y ... WHAT IS WRONG!!! ... why can't I just sit and type all that I wish to?

What kind of transformation am I going through? and What on earth for? ....

PS. I have also lost my appetite by the way :( ... can't stand food now ... I mean ... I just dont EAT anymore .. unless it's maggi! .. and just coz it's the easiest to finish n be done with.
Hence, I think I have been eating just maggi for the past so many days - brkfast, lunch AND Dinner!


Psst... I'm telling u, something is really amiss .... I am going all OKAY ... clinically ... and I just don't get kicks out of whatever I am doing these days ... I just do one task, and move on to the other... I feel like meeting up with old friends .... and then realise how difficult it is, to fix up such a meeting-thanks to the godforsaken schedules-, n again.. CLINICALLY ... move on ....


Great then! I can't write, I can't read HP (the series having finished :( ) ... I can't be loud and shabby n BLAH in general ..... without drawing suspicion, raised fingers, heads shaking in disapproval ...
I can't just NOT display many feminine attributes in general conduct, without raising people's heckles ...

This is too darn weird... I mean... I can't even FEEL u know! ... I am not driven by emotions as I write all this; just stating facts! I can't even feel the pain of something-ain't-right. It's just a cold acknowledgment of the same fact. *stoic look*


Gosh! .. this way, I'll develop a revulsion for people who think that their lives are exactly as they had planned/imagined those to be, just coz my own is not! *mummy, help!*

Nothing that I am doing today conforms to the idea that I had about my life..ever since I can recollect::
- I had never in my weirdest dreams thought I'd be working in an "office" (i mean I never thot against it or anything, but I nevvvvvver even considered an office job- I always thought these things were for others (weird/absurd I know!!) )
- studying business [even until five years ago, had u suggested to me that "business line" was a career option- I would have asked you to go see a shrink!]
- Being put on trial for my concepts/ ideas that I always took as given. Being quizzed about explanations which none intends to/ cares to understand
- Talking about things that I have no interest/ inclination/ capability for ...
I mean ....reallllllly... I AM abnormal ... I mean... for the first time in my life, I have begun issuing responses that I don't feel an "ownership" for ... it's almost fake ...

***
something got into me ... and I finally dug out my old, infamous Dell notebook (christened by the high n mighty swati n co, as "thirty two mb" ... errmm.. well, that's coz that was its RAM u know ... 32 MB! .. and 6 GB hard disk btw!!... people wud come frm far n wide just to see whether this legend does have a basis in reality ... I had dumped it ever since I got my laptop ... never really used it much ... but have developed fond attachment to it .. I rem. during our IIM days .. I had typed my first blogpost for the campaign on it ! ohkayy ... IIM days = Ignited Indian Minds ..days of course) ....

seee!! that's my 32 MB ... 8 minutes have passed since i switched it on ..and the desktop has still not appeared! ... anyway.. the purpose behind digging out this relic was ... I had typed some of my verses roughly an year ago, in this box.
Those were the days *reminisces* .. well, strange days ....
the days of rebellion, secret undefined crusades against powers-that-be-wherever-in-the-universe ...
[hey, the screen's not appearin' n m concerned !! what if i lose all my precious data :( ... switched it on again... *fingers crossed* ]

yeah.. so those wre strange days ... and stranger near-confidantes I had.. back then! ...
lolz... they supported a no-cause of someone they barely knew ... *sigh of amusement*
and there was this one verse in particular .... (tho i had written many in those days... all revolving around a common central theme) that most aptly conveyed my train of thoughts/ emotions etc etc ...

The issue touched upon in that verse .... still remains.
I will probably never know the answer to the question ...
I will never know as to whether I had a cause to begin with, and whether it was ever justified ...
I guess there are always some "What IFs... " in life ... that can prevent you from ascertaining that definitive Right-ness or Wrong-ness of a course of action


[laptop ..still hasn't displayed the desktop ... i will cry now.. i think i lost a lot of my works today *blank stony eyes*]


Anyway, maybe al try to recompose the verse.. from memory ...

I tossed a little Coin...

I tossed a little coin.
I know I called it 'Tails';
But, saw 'em frown, and cut my call-
what if my call fails ...

I tossed a little coin.
This time I called it Heads;
But then caught it in mid-air,
my calls my heart now dreads ...

I tossed a little coin.
My heart had made a call,
but let 'em turn a deaf ear,
and let it freely fall...

I tossed a little coin.
it's My Coin that I tossed;
You think I won, it's the 'right' side up!
It's My Call that I lost!

[hurray- desktop showed ..finally!]

When I'd tossed that little coin,
You'd wanted me to win;
Since Your Call was much more 'safe',
you tossed mine in the bin.

I shall not toss that little coin!
The toss brings me no joy...
I had tossed it with some aim in heart,
not coz 'twas a fun toy!

Or maybe I'll toss that coin again,
and take my Call this time.
To lose the toss, at my own call,
would be a lesser crime.

*************

Gawd ... pls don't sit and wonder about the "I", "They" "Coin" etc in the lines above.... coz even I am not sure about it ...
aaargggh ... maybe I will never know... never.. whether MBA was a mistake .. or whether I could have done things "the other way" ...

So byy the way .. for all those innocent souls who have been hounding me of late :P *and some of you are reading this ;) * ...
"How do u stay happy all the time?" " How come we've never seen you in low spirits?" or the funniest...
"Do you ever feel low, Shruti? " .... I dunno guyz .... but what kind of a mind breeds verses like that? ... not a sea-calm one, I can assure you :) ...

hehe .. now im suddenly reminded of this one day in JMC when I was racing through the corridor (well, I was alwaaayyss racing through the corridoor in JMC :( ..somehow .. ) ...
Although, it is in a very different context. A batchmate (well, this one always remained just a batchmate for the three years that we spent together .... maannn, I wish Mannat was reading this-she would KNOW :P!!) .. well, this batchmate almost stopped me, slightly annoyed and exasperated .. (almost accusatory!)

"Shrutii, you don't have to be so happy all the time"

'Sorry?', I thought.

I was taken aback. And there she stood, smiling a cold smile, one that fails in its purpose to delude the recipient into thinking that, the actor is confident and assured of the validity/ substance/purpose of what she has just uttered.

I raised my brow - amused .. though not too happy ..!

I watched her smile for some time, weighing the merit of continuing the conversation, and eventually deciding against it. I decided (in that fleeting moment) that I did not have the time or the energy. And she did not have the resources to put mine to optimal use :)

I smiled back. Or, I think I did. But that was coz I was short on time. Otherwise, till date, I haven't learned to fully appreciate people using the happiness of others as the yardstick to measure their own. Hence, kids end up showing more interest in the test scores of their peers, than their own; few days before the exam kids are bothered more about how much course "that one" has covered .. than where their own exam preparation has reached ... and as they correctly depicted in one of those commercial ads: parents approve or disregard their child's performance solely based on the performance of someone else's child.

Now, now, this incident has nothing to do with anything else I had talked about ... dunno why I suddenly came to my mind, quite vividly and I went on to describe it, however unrelated...

hmm.... I think it could be coz I'm missing Mannat too :( .... she was the kind of person who would have summed up the above incident in one good line (despite our excessive loathing for each other, we did end up sharing quite a few ideas... :P ) ....

*** I slept last night, typing this ....

postin it now ...

and wow! I did end up posting something then, even though nothing that I really wanted to ...

College again tomorrow ... *neutral indifference*

I discovered something very ugly and scary about human behavior yet again yesterday, in
passing conversation.

In fact, I learnt something about it during my internship too (although it was interspersed between other too-much-fun things, to take a backseat) ...
Some very obvious, rational principles of justice, and working logic DONOT hold- in many places, and for many people. A new kind of code of conduct (new -- coz I didn't know of it before ) has gained acceptance and legitimation amongst people. I think I'll draw from an old blogpost::

I stab your back, you stab my back is the new tacit moral understanding/ agreement between most people.
If you can't play the game this way, you had better not play at all! coz the rules are all defined by that guiding principle.
The rules in the new game are:
>> you win as an individual player, if you manage to stab the back of the other better than that one manges to stab yours (coz u are both aiming towards the same thing)
>> your team wins if you collectively manage to do that vis-a-vis other teams

But you have gotto play by the same underlying principle by all means.
And this, is quite amusing!

NOTE: I must post this here... before the context is lost.

Certain things REQUIRE integrity, have basis in Integrity and will not exist without it.
Rationality, Justice, fairness -- all function on integrity.
Hence, one can't cry foul one day and say their justice has been violated by the system, if they
have themselves condoned the same in the past.
Which brings us back to the all or none principle of certain theories/ concepts (such as Ayn Rand's objectivisim). You can't accept a part of it, and reject the other, tailoring it to suit your own convenience. You either Take the WHOLE of it, or REJECT the WHOLE of it. There is no way in between.

In fact, integrity is a beautiful concept u know ... I discovered it myself, one day, when I found it seriously lacking in some persons I had grown to like ..
I realized the importance of Integrity in someone's being. How the riches of the world, the brains of Einstein, the beauty of the Greeks won't sustain one's character -- if the simple quality of integrity is missing.

and consequently, I discovered this about my own self:

Very little tolerance, for very little integrity.

uh-ohh ..al post this now ... I have no clue what all I have been typing and why at all ...
sorry abt the lack of coherence in this post! ..
But I MUST post this ... and break the cant-blog-anymore curse :( !!

chalo then,

Cheerios :)

*Shruti ... Calm ... Self! ...*

Oh Gawwwdd …. My fingers shake as I type … but I dunno what else to do … im trying chocolate therapy alongside … but I guess it will take time, to show the soothing effect!!

*takes deep breaths*

*counts till ten*

One

…

Two

…

Three

….

Four

…..

Five

…..

Six

….

Seven

…

Eight

….

Nine

…..

Ten

Oh gawd … I did that on purpose … typing mindlessly is also cathartic …

But ..not helping much…

N m drinking pepsi too …

Not helping…

Okay … al keep talking…. Until it subsides …

Gawwddd… my fingers still shake, and its fury .. of the highest order …

On the injustice of it all …

On the farce of it all …

Oh …

IT barks, but deep down… IT’s nice ..

Oh…

IT bites, but deep down …. IT’s nice…

Oh, it hurts, but deep down ….IT’s nice …

Oh..

It kills, but deep down ….. It’s nice …

So all u have to do … is keep digging through the black hole, in the hope , that one day u will discover what that “nice” is …

Coz ideally, normally, all the above activities wud not exactly qualify one to be called NICE …

Oh…

What IT does actually,

Is to beat its chest on a rooftop, every morning .. about being NICE –a convenient self-defined abstraction –

Then do everything throughout the day, that wud point otherwise …

And then … as a safety option … doles out ALMS to ITs fellow beings (Oh doles those out with both hands… asked for or not!! ) … to gain a psychological advantage ….

And then, do everything … so that all facts laid out … at the end of everything… people have to say,

Oh .. deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeep down … IT’s still nice ….

NICE- another word I hate with all my might!

I cud sit peacefully. I’m out of the mess (God is kind!) …

If only Human Rights Violation … n the sheer injustice of it all … *ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

And I tried hunting for episodes of Diff’rent Strokes on the net, to kick in the normalization effect .. to soothe nerves down … and guess what!! … they have taken’em all off youtube!!

*groans…painfully*

What am I to do?

Except Blog …

Arps’ net connection sucks … Meet is not online at this hour ..

dunno when either will login ..

And I don’t have Arnold to bring a smile on my face …

(m buffering an episode of FRIENDS now …)

Hope it helps …

God, I offer a prayer …

**F.R.I.E.N.D.S break**

Heyy … just watched a Joey-video :D

Lolz! I love him …. (im kinda smiling :) ) :::

Joey: Hey Ross. If homo sapiens were in fact “HOMO sapiens”, could that be why they’re extinct?
Ross: Joey, homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey! I’m not judging here.

…..

Al just end with lines from the Gita , (wistfully) … although it has no direct relevance!! ..

Yada yada hi dharmasya, glanirbhavti bharata ..

Abhyutthanam adharmasya, tadatmanam srijyamaham

Can’t speak much now …

Later …

PS. It is my earnest request that I don’t get comments on this particular post. No questions asked.

Peace!

Thanks.

Mumbling loudly, and incoherently. Again ..

Term’s Over. Summers begin. So does err… a Live Project (whatever that means, and whatever be the reason they call it that) … and I’m tired already. Without having done much productive work. Mentally exhausted, and maybe physically too (the lift was out of order in the hostel last night .. and I HAD to make innumerable trips up and down.)

These lines suddenly spring to my mind … some poem by god-knows-who, and…… baahhh… al just type it down ..and say no more …

“ sunta hoon maine bhi dekha,

kale badal mein chupti chandi ki rekha ..

…

Kale badal, kale badal,

Man bhay se ho uthta chanchal..

Kaun hriday mein kehta pal pal ..

Mrityu aa rahi saaje dal bal “

Ohhhkayyy …. I’m not worried about my mortality, certainly not! It’s just the “kale badal” bit that strikes a chord with me right now.. though, don’t ask me why, I don’t know myself!

Why am I putting up such gloomy stuff here ….

Why am I putting up stuff here at all …

Aaaaaaarrrghhh … I have lost it totally … T-O-T-A-L-L-Y…

It’s just so weird … how things unfold..

Contradictions, it seems, (and *ahem* Ms. Rand, I know…) .. do exist.. and too many of them.

Sometimes, one wishes one did not have ears .. I tell you, that’s the root of all mental anxiety! Sometimes, it’s just soo much more easy to live in utter ignorance- in beatific oblivion of the fact that such and such thing transpired on such and such point on the face of this planet.

Coz, it just becomes so unsettling … to have a volley of facts thrown in about the same person/situation … and all so very contradictory in nature, that you would rather pull out all your hair, one by one, and rest in peace, than pick out the wheat from the chaff, the facts from the fiction … and determine the Truth. The Absolute Truth.

If at all, something like that does exist. And the damage that such ‘revelations’ do to one’s sense of judgement/understanding/opinion … is incalculable!

And you can imagine the dearth of good literature that I have ever read, that I am quoting from a previously written post of this blog, to express my sentiment:

I don’t like people much.

I don’t understand people. And Honestly, I would rather not attempt to..

Coz, the more I do, the more I have a reason to quit!!

My mind is one hell of a tempest, once again!

I dunno what to do.. I dunno what to say …

Except, I wanna go home … (staying back in the hostel tonight, for a totally unanticipated reason … ) …

Gawwddd…. Let this be over… Let there be a new day .. *yawn* as of course, there shall be ..

Btw: we bid farewell to our senior batch today…

Would like to put down some totally lifted oft-heard quotes on bidding adieu, which donot particularly apply in this context, but are very generic …

“The Old Order changeth, yielding place to the new..

But the old order forever remains etched in our hearts”

I distinctly recall .. this was the quote on the very beautiful invitations that we had made for the farewell party of our senior batch in school.. Do you, Arps? Shilpi? (assuming you guys made it to this line in this extremely uninteresting post) ..

And the other one,

To meet and part, is the way of life ..

But, to part and meet, is the hope of life …

Sig(h)ning off …

Shruti F.

In Conjunction with the previous post...

This must be read in conjunction with the previous post that I had posted a while ago.
Just wanted to acknowledge one person's invaluable good sense ..
(again, the same principle of 'straightforward dialogue' that i talked abt, in the post below..)

- Thank you Mansi, thanks for your good sense. (completely unexpected from a creature
like you :D)

I still don't like the human species much, but I can certainly look forward to a more peaceful night's sleep now..

JLU :)

I don't like People ....

[The sentiment expressed in this post is an extension of the previous one, I guess]

Alright, I have come to a conclusion which I must put down in writing: I donot like people.

I mean I don’t particularly detest the fact of the existence of the human race per se, but I just donot have very fond attachment to the species. Barring a few, of course. Though, Very Few.

It’s a weird species, with very strange dynamics. And I don’t have to understand this race; there is no need to develop any kind of fondness, either.

‘Asocial’ is an adjective that I have gladly used for myself, for a long time now. But, somehow, I’m afraid that this quality is degenerating into another one (and this one, I’m not too happy about) : Anti-Social.

I had read a quote somewhere, by god-knows-who … they said..

“The more I know about men, the more I like dogs better”

Now, it seems to me that the speaker was referring to the male species, and was most probably someone with a feministic bent of mind. But when I think of this statement, and replace men with “people/mankind” , the pearls of wisdom contained in these words dawn on me, like an arrow that pierces one’s heart deep.. and deeper still.

I had recently asked somebody who’s smarter than me (even though I know, he might beg to differ on this), for his take on the madness that people often create in the field where I have landed, by fault and default.

And I was told, “Don’t be a cynic. And more than Wise Men, trust your own instincts.”

The Wise Men are that clan in this species who seem to perpetuate and propagate the very quality in the human race,that results in more and more revulsion towards it, by justifying their behavior in terms of, “They all do it that way, why not me!”.

But then, I was wondering how does one survive this? … and the answer that I got was, “I survived..and so can you.”

Now. Alright. Of course, anybody can survive it. People come out alive from the most difficult of places. MBA’s pass out in droves every year… Not all of them come out with a magic wand for solving all problems that life throws at them. OR having walked on a bed of roses.

So alright, I will survive. No big deal, that is. Everyone does.

And then… you are alive, a survivor, with little regard/ affection for your own species.. Since when did education begin rolling out such sad stories?

In fact, the other day, I had very WISELY and with a condescending sigh, summed up for someone, a list of things good and bad, in one word, … “LIFE”. (hehe… congrats dude, finally you find a place on my blog :D)

And well, poohey on that high-sounding remark ...

Coz it does nothing to solve any problem. And the hollowness of this word beats me into frustration, now.

Oh god, I’m just blabbering away … And I probably would not have done this on the blog, had DA been online … It wud have poured out in the private domain of his chat window. And there, the story would have ended (of course, the standard solution that creature can offer for any such problem is grass, coke and the like – errm not very conventional or socially acceptable, but yeah somehow even that suggestion always helps perk things up :P)

But, unfortunately, he is busy pretending to spend some time with his books, I believe .. for a change ..

So here it goes … all the blabbering ... on the blog!..

Of course, this post does not have a very coherent flow of thoughts … but the bottom line is this:

I don’t like people much.

I don’t understand people. And Honestly, I would rather not attempt to..

Coz, the more I do, the more I have a reason to quit!!

This is no criticism of fellow-humans, but a statement of facts, from one among them.

Of course, this is not going to help my cause in becoming an HR person, but then, who am I kidding, I was always going to be a Farjee MBA anyway…

Note: I sure am thankful to God that the rest of the people in my life, who donot have such a strictly clinical place or importance, are miles away from this rut of MBA, which has become my world now.

Just had a convo with Divs a while ago, so will end it on this note ... JLU :)